If he’s doing even ONE of these things, ditch him. Do you have a tragic habit of attracting the wrong kind of men into your life over and over again? Men who are afraid of commitment or just flat out don’t want a relationship? It’s frustrating to spend time trying to make things work out with what may actually be a lost cause. How do you know beforehand that a man is emotionally unavailable? The answer’s been in front of you the whole time.
1. He’s already in a relationship with someone else. This one is obvious. If he’s in a relationship with someone else, then he isn’t emotionally available to have a relationship with you. I don’t care if he says the divorce is “in the works” or that he’s going to leave her soon. Until he is actually out of the relationship, he isn’t emotionally available to you.
2. He’s not ready for a relationship. Maybe he flat out told you that he just isn’t ready for a relationship yet. If that’s the case, you should take him at his word: he isn’t ready. No, you can’t change him. Your feelings for him are not enough to make him suddenly want to be in a relationship and settle down. He’s more likely to stay exactly the way you found him.
3. He’s self-absorbed. If his focus is always on himself, he just doesn’t have the emotional capacity to have a great relationship with you. All of his energy is fed into his own life, fueling his ego and only looking out for himself. If that’s the case, then there just isn’t room in his life or his heart for you, too.
4. He’s a conflict-avoider. If he isn’t willing to address conflict in his life, then he is probably also emotionally unavailable. Men who are uncomfortable with a certain emotion such as anger, frustration, or anything else, are likely also uncomfortable with emotion in general. It’s normal to want to avoid unpleasant experiences in life, however, you cannot eliminate or completely avoid an entire emotion without completely choking yourself off from experiencing all of your emotions.
5. He’s indecisive. Having a hard time committing to things in general in life is another sign of emotional unavailability. This is because second-guessing and otherwise being only halfway “in” anything means that he is afraid of bringing 100% of himself to what he does. If he isn’t ready to bring all of himself to something as simple as his career, his workout routine, or anything else that he claims is important to him, what makes you think he’ll be committed to a relationship with you?
6. He ignores his own needs. Sometimes men will go into care taking mode and try to take care of everyone else’s needs around them. Although this may seem charming at first, it often comes at the expense of not getting his own needs met. In the end it’s hard to tell where he really stands. He’s so disassociated from himself that he’s barely “there” at all. And if he isn’t even there, how can he be emotionally available for you?
7. He has very specific expectations for you. Of course, it’s good to have standards, but expectations can be limiting. They turn the process of having a relationship from actually enjoying one another to more of a matter of finding someone to play a role in your life, whether that role be “girlfriend” or “wife.” And when he starts to see you as a role in his life, it’s going to be difficult to connect with you as a person. Instead it’s all going to be about how well you fit the role. That isn’t the kind of relationship that I imagine you want for yourself. You may find emotionally unavailable men in your life. Maybe you’re even in a relationship with one right now. The important thing to know is that you cannot change him. How you found him is how he is likely to stay. Yes, he can change. Yes, he might change. However, you should not bank on him doing it any time soon. Simply decide if you are willing to be in a relationship with him just the way he is. If you aren’t, then it’s time to cut ties and find someone new. yourtango.com
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