Few weeks ago, I got a call from a friend asking me out for a drink, but I was already at the Lagos airport. “I’m not going to be around for the next few days,” I told him. “I’m going to Abuja.” His immediate reaction was – “Why? What’s wrong? Do you want to bore yourself to death?” That’s the typical response I get whenever I tell someone I am travelling to Abuja. Abuja is a beautiful city with a terrible reputation for boredom. I have heard people in other cities speak of Lagos as a noisy, dirty and dangerous city filled with crazy people. In truth, everyone in Lagos is crazy. What else do you expect in a state crammed with 22 million people?
It must be a hell of a job for the
governor and his officials keeping everyone under law and order daily.
Lagos has a peculiar vibe that can’t be found anywhere in the world, so
much that “Lagos Hustle” is a commonly used phrase among Nigerians. I
would rather go crazy living in Lagos than be bored to death in Abuja,
Ibadan or Enugu. Abuja leaves you chewing your finger nails out of
boredom. If you doubt me, whenever you have a visitor from Abuja, check
his/her finger nails. They are always short and well chewed. Even the
Hausa local nail trimmers have all migrated elsewhere due to the nail
scarcity. It is said that people in Lagos argue for at least two hours
daily. It is true; we love to generate arguments out of everything.
We
argue everywhere, in buses and even during church services. Now
Telemundo has become a cause for more argument among the girls here. So
why are they surprised that we are crazy in this city? How many people
can stay sane for long with the screams of Telemundo girls and the
wailing sirens of police and government officials constantly beating
their eardrums? Even the supposedly rugged Lagos rats can’t bear it too,
that’s why they are always scampering from one gutter to another. If
only we can understand what those rats would be saying to themselves
about the cars with wailing sirens and flashing blue lights which have
now become the city’s official ride for big boys. Don’t they know that
it is by far the easiest way to advertise their arrivals to all the
criminals in the city? Let’s add all the roaring vehicle engines,
blaring horns, the arguments of the association of free newspaper
readers at every bus stop, the street preachers with megaphones every
morning, the open trucks filled with dancing skimpy dressed models
selling almost expired products, or the rickety tortoise cars with dead
PA system selling gbogbonise and the CD/DVD sellers blasting
latest naija vibes.
Anybody expecting to find a sane person in Lagos
must be crazy indeed. It is like looking for a virgin in Nollywood. It
is a city with an official soundtrack emanating from millions of
generators rumbling constantly all through the day and night. But as
crazy as it is in Lagos, I love it. I love the fact that it is like the
city is divided in two halves, for non smokers and smokers. Or how can
anyone explain to me why Apapa is always covered in thick smoke? Call it
trailer exhaust fumes or smoke from burning tyres, what I know is that
whenever I am passing through Apapa, it is as If I have suddenly walked
into the smokers section of a night club.
I love the fact that this city doesn’t
discriminate. And that all the money of the rich offers no protection
from the most trying aspect of life here. Aggression is imperative and
timidity on the road is seized upon by everyone even pedestrians.
When driving, you are caught up,
over-taken and honked at all at once. All drivers seem to be afflicted
with honk sickness. You get in a taxi late at night when there isn’t a
single other car on the road, and the driver is still blasting his horn
at five seconds intervals for the entire journey. It is even worse when
the traffic is gridlocked. Ask the millions who experience this
bottleneck from the mainland to the commercial districts on the Island
daily.
A guy dropped his friend at Lagos airport
to catch a flight to South Africa. When he received his text message
saying he had landed safely at Joburg airport, he was still in traffic
on the way back to Victoria Island.
We don’t have much of a tourist industry
in Lagos at the moment but thank God for Makoko, an extraordinary
floating slum, where everyone travels round in boats. It is our own
version of Venice. Thanks to the governor, the dividends of democracy
can now be felt in some places in the city. Let’s take the Ojota dump
site for example, it has become symbolic of everything that past
governments have tried to achieve. What used to look at first sight a
rough, lawless, dangerous place has become a well-organised place where
good money is earned by local street boys who now prefer a life of grime
to a life of crime. Some of them are university graduates.
Lagos is a shining example of democracy.
Even the area boys and those scavengers on the streets for things to
re-sell have their own democratically elected chairmen, who sort out any
arguments or disagreements.
Don’t you love the look of today’s
Oshodi, especially when you are standing on the bridge feeding your eyes
with the wonderful mosaic of human beings like a colourful artwork? The
traders are constantly feeding energy into the atmosphere with their
hilarious but innovative marketing methods, giving visitors from various
parts of the world a first hand view of how lucrative and conducive
this city is for their businesses. But it is imperative to have lots of
patience and a good sense of humour to survive here.
Planning is crucial if you want to get
things done. You must make contingencies because most of the time things
don’t go according to plan, whether you are caught in argument or in
traffic. For tourists, it is important to note that there are no
up-to-date visitors’ guide on sale anywhere. And the few guidebooks
available do not pretend to over-sell the city’s destinations. But one
thing you won’t need guidebook to notice are the mechanic workshops
littered all over the city. The good thing about this is that whenever
you go hungry, just walk into the nearest one and you are sure to find a
mama-put (restaurant).
Lagos is noisy, polluted, corrupt,
lawless and ungovernable, but beneath these stereotypes are some of the
most hardworking, passionate and big thinkers on earth. Thousands of
people make their living by selling all kinds of stuff in traffic jams:
household provisions, mobile phones, electrical appliances, wrist
watches, books, clothes, popcorn, machetes, soup ingredients, wheel
chairs, rat poison, CDs, DVDs, pets, you can even buy a brand new car in
traffic. It is quite innovative and convenient because most Lagos
residents prefer to do their shopping on the go.
I love Lagos because this is the only
city in the world where you can leave home for work stark naked and be
sure to buy everything you want to wear in traffic. They’ve got ironing
boards too in case you want your clothes starched and properly ironed. Eko o ni baje oo.
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